I have been denying it all along but its time I admitted that I’m depressed. I think am old enough to know that I cannot go through this alone. It has taken too long to come out( at least in print). Because the society still consider the depressed as mentally weak. Coming out in person is a little bit farfetched now because how will they view me? Those friends that we laugh everyday yet they don’t know how much I have a pest that is killing my mind. What about the family members that I put a brave face for? They don’t know that when I get back to the house I stare at the walls subconsciously for long periods.
How my life has come to this I can not yet put a finger to because I have been raised “well”. Until recently I used to fancy the little joys but now my appetite for life is lost. But I now that I know how it feels to be in this position I know everybody is somehow depressed. The stages are just different for different people and what is needed(not needed) is the trigger that will send one from zero to hundred in a flick. I think I have been messed up in the mind ever since I was a child its only that I was too ignorant and protected to realize. When I started to face life as a loner the trait emerged from the shadows and started to eat me alive.
It may be because at my age the society are pulling me down with their high expectations. I should be financially well off right now or be married by next year according to my family. They don’t know that I have never gotten any meaningful or permanent job since my graduation. Neither do they know that my last relationship was in campus. Nowadays I have lost any needfor the other gender. But it doesn’t bring me down that one because I know how to “jipa raha mwenyewe” if you know what I mean.
How do I know am depressed?
The few people that I have confided in may ask how I know I am depressed. It may be a mis-diagnosis. These questions make me smile-the few times that I do nowadays. How do I know?, I know because I lock myself in the house and scream at the top of my voice when nobody is around. I know because as I am typing this I have not eaten anything in the last 36 hours (I am not hungry in the stomach but in the mind). I know because the utensils that I last used are dirty on the sink and mother will tell you I’ve never been like that.
Right now I have found something that can protect me from going too extreme. I want to write my mind to make me feel better. Just one view on my posts every Monday will make me feel better. I will know that there’s somebody somewhere who feels like me. I have never contemplated suicide but I cannot promise myself that I will not consider it if my situation gets worse but until then (hopefully not) I will be here-every Monday morning typing out what I feel from the heart. The series is for those who maybe depressed like me and for those want to be part of my journey. Welcome and shall we?
You can now read Episode 2!